McSweeney’s Post: “Kate Chopin’s ‘The Awakening’ is making me Reevaluate my Casual Three-Month Relationship”
Ladies and Gentlemen, in honor of the New Year, emilyaxford.wordpress.com has resurrected it’s sometimes monthly, mostly biannual (see: both definitions) Russian Patriotic Poetry Contest! And so, like a fish that’s been caught, cooked, then comes back to life in the middle of your chowder party, it returns!
So buckle your seatbelts. Just kidding, Volgas are notoriously unsafe vehicles, and when faced with a decision between installing seatbelts or hood ornaments of large breasted milk maids, they chose the latter. So duct tape yourself to the chigger infested seats, we’re going on a wild ride through the backroads of the Slavic Psyche.
Peppered by the footprints of mobsters and Jews
May your flowers wilt
May your rivers run red with blood
May the teeth of your peoples rain from their infected gums
May your many libidinous yaks find their fate in the path of an ice floe
May your churches, though false storefronts they be,
Find the shallow barrier between earth and hell
Not strong enough to hold the weight of their patron’s sin
I hope your clouds, cavorting in the sky like adulterers and conspirators,
surfeit themselves on the bitter water from the dirty lakes
That so many have pissed vodka into.
Yes, I am writing this from the Volgograd DMV, where I have been on line for two weeks trying to get a permit to use my goat as a commercial vehicle.
Also heads up the vending machine here is out of order because its monkey attendant has developed an unsightly mange.
Why do you cry, little bird, little bird?
Why oh why do you cry?
For your mother, little bird, do you cry do you cry
For Mother Russia to sing you a lullaby
Mother Russia sings a lullaby
So Sweetly, so gently
Voice of an angel
Voice of the Virgin Mary
Only slightly marred by cigarettes
Lots and lots of soviet cigarettes
Which are just the lungs of coal miners
Wrapped up in conscription papers.
Oh, Soviet Sauce Peddler
Peddle your sauces to me!
For my chickens so dry,
I will pay prettily.
For sauce enough to dampen
This chicken so dry
Chicken dry enough to make seem wet
My wife’s dust bowl vagina.
Download it here: http://www.archive.org/details/ThisIsForYou
Season’s Greetings from the Kuiper Belt, where it is snowing deadly ice meteors! Sierra Needle has, once again, strayed from the Robot Gods of the cult religion she was born into to celebrate the heathen holiday known as CHRISTMAS (or 6XZZ57A, which is the police code on Zoonark for anyone caught publicly celebrating). This year she’s rounded up a few friends to help her. So enjoy, and Merry 6XZZ57A!!!
1. Minefield In My Backyard
2. Elf Me I’m In Love! (feat. Alden Ford)
3. Santa So Big – feat. You Suck and Pharmocalypse, aka BABIES
4. Santa So Big – Captain Hippo Remix
Well Ladies and Ghouls, all Hallow’s Eve is fast approaching and Sierra Needle has retaliated with an album so spooky, it may in fact scare away Halloween itself.
Please enjoy this bevy of beats and ballads. If you like a song in particular, let me know so I know which ones to remaster for Sierra’s posthumous greatest hits. Email me (not Sierra — as you know she is orbiting space so she can’t always be checking her email. She needs to be checking oxygen levels or the consistency of the Space Monkeys feces to make sure he is properly nourished).
Album Art (probably) Pending!!!
1. Ambient Intro: Halloween at Philip Glass’s House
2. King Size Candy Bars
3. Ambient Interlude: Demon Strut
4. I Need A Good Fright
5. Ambient Interlude: Ghoul’s Night Out
6. No Costumes Go With My Glasses
7. Trick Or Treating By Yourself For The First Time
8. Ghost Song (feat. Paul Briganti and Mike Antonucci aka Chip Fantastic)
9. Ambient Interlude: Mummy Strip Tease
10. Even Apparitions Get The Blues
11. Instrumental: Spirits Depart
12. Denoument: Taking Off Our Masks and Cleaning Our Wounds (Fake and Otherwise)
13. Ambient Epilogue: Sugar Crash
As always, here is the mediafire link where you can download it for FREE. Think of it as internet trick or treating.
Also, I just realized the tracks for “Opposites Abduct” aren’t working. I’ll look into it.
Seriously, there is a man’s butt, this is NSFW. and NSFM (not safe for mom).
My mom found it online!
It’s playing on MTV and Comedy Central.